The Art of Being a Fan
by Greg Sullivan
The question is not asked nearly as much as it
should be: What exactly is a
baseball fan? What does it take to be a
fan? How do you become a fan? What's
the difference between a good fan and a bad
fan? While on a Labor Day trip to Boston,
our buddy Ross Friedman and I visited Fenway Park
for a Red Sox-Mariners game. While Paul
Abbott (Paul Abbott!) was busy no-hitting the Sox
through seven, we had several occasions to tackle
such trivial matters as what it takes to be a
baseball fan. We came up with a few litmus
tests for anyone who considers themselves a true
fan, or at the very least, someone who has any
business being in a baseball stadium. If
you fail any of these tests, you can report back
to the minors - the bus is waiting. And you
think I'm kidding...
Rule One: If the ball is in play, DON'T
TOUCH IT!
You would think that this goes without saying,
but surprisingly most fans don't know any
better. Actually, from now on I refuse to
refer to these people as "fans" -
they're just "people who attend
games." So anyway, most "people
who attend games" don't know any better.
I can give you a great example from the
Mariners game at Fenway. Boston fans on the
whole, although sometimes drunk and belligerent,
are considered to be some of the most
knowledgeable and dedicated fans in the
game. So when, in the fifth inning of a 2-0
game, a hitter for the Mariners lined a fair ball
around first base and down the right field line
and a "person who attended the game"
reached onto the field and picked it up, Ross and
I just stood there shocked. We were
seriously out in the bleachers screaming
at this guy for being so stupid - and Ross is a
Yankees fan! The blunder allowed Mariner
runners to advance to second and third when it
initially looked like they would have to hold up
at first and third, if not first and second.
And if that wasn't enough, this idiot turned
around and raised his hands up in the air,
expecting a standing ovation for making such a
great play on the ball. Well, he got what
he deserved: a LOUD chorus of boos from all
corners of the ballpark. What he didn't get
was a security guard assisted escort straight out
onto Yawkey Way, where his minor league shuttle
was waiting. Under no circumstances should
you touch a ball in play, unless of course it is
handed to you by Benny Agbayani. It's
absolutely bewildering to me that more parks
don't throw people out of stadiums for actions
like this - it might be the only way that the WWF
generation learns that baseball is a beautiful
game that should be watched and appreciated, not
an opportunity to get on TV. Which brings
me to my next point...
Rule Two: Stop waving!
How many times have you seen a game on TV
where there's this one idiot behind the plate
talking on a cell phone waving into the TV
camera? WHAT ARE YOU WAVING AT?!?
I can just imagine the conversation that these
people might be having while they're annoying the
hell out of 99% of the viewing audience:
Person attending the game: "Hi honey, I'm
at the game!"
Person's wife: "Oh great, where are
you?"
Person attending the game: "I'm right behind
home plate - turn it to channel nine and you can
see me."
Person's wife: "Hold on, let me go into the
other room."
Person attending the game: "Are you
there?"
Person's wife: "Yeah, but I can't see
you..."
Person attending the game: "(waving arm)
Can you see me now?"
Person's wife: "Oh yeah! There you
are! Look kids, daddy's on TV!"
Person's kids: "Mommmmm! Turn it back
to wrestling!"
Person attending the game: "Hold on, I'll do
it again for every pitch for the rest of this
inning, then I'll give the phone to the guy next
to me and he can do it for the next inning.
It'll be great! Hey, I'm on TV!"
Good god. There's NO excuse for
this. Yuppies who waste great seats at the
ballpark with company tickets and don't even pay
attention to the game just anger me.
You want to watch the game? Pay the twenty
bucks a ticket or whatever it is at your local
ballpark and take your kids, your dad, an old
friend, or even a date (trust me, it
works...). If you don't want to watch the
game or don't want to pay for it, stay at home
and watch it on TV (unless you live in Montreal,
in which case you can start counting the days
until hockey season). If you want to take a
client somewhere to impress him, for god's sake
go to a five star restaurant or somewhere else
where you can talk, and please, leave the cell
phone at home.
A corollary to this rule is cell phone
etiquette. I personally wouldn't be caught
dead with a cell phone anywhere but on the side
of an interstate highway with a flat tire, never
mind at a baseball game, but I do see how they
could serve a purpose. For example, at the
Seattle-Boston game, Ross wanted to know the
score of the Yankees game, which they weren't
showing on the left field scoreboard for some
reason, so he used his cell phone to called dad
to find out. Understandable, especially
since the Sox and Yanks were battling for first
place in the division. Also, When Abbott
took a no-hitter into the eighth, Ross called
Warren to let him know so he could tune in if
possible. Of course, at this point, Ross
jinxed the no-hitter, but that's another story...
One more note on waving - doing "the
wave" is just plain annoying. It's
cool when you're ten or you're really, really
drunk, but otherwise, it's just annoying.
But we won't outlaw it because kids love it, and
baseball is all about the kids, or at least it
should be.
Rule Three: Limit heckling to the two
teams on the field
I originally thought this was more of a
Boston-specific rule, but after hearing stories
about Yankee fans starting a "Boston
sucks" chant after a World Series win and
witnessing, in person, at a Stanley Cup Finals
game between the Devils and Stars, a
"Rangers suck" chant, I'm convinced
that this rule needs to be applied across the
board. I mean, come on. If
you're watching the Red Sox and Twins, you don't
start a "Yankees suck" chant. You
just don't. Not only does it have nothing
to do with what you're watching, but it's poor
sportsmanship and in most cases it just shows
that you'd rather obsess over your rival than
appreciate the effort of your own team. If you're
going to pay for the ticket, cheer for your team
and against your opponent, not against another
team that's not even at the park that day.
And finally...
Rule Four: Stay for the whole game
Again, this is another one that should go
without saying, but you'd be surprised. Back to
the game in Boston again - Abbott still had his
no-hitter working in the eighth inning the Red
Sox had a man on (he walked), one out, and were
down only 2-0 at that point. And people in the
bleachers were getting up and leaving! People, you're
watching a no-hitter! Put aside the fact
that it's your team getting no-hit - hey, I did.
I was still pulling for the Sox to break it up
and put up some runs, but if they didn't, it
would have been a memory that I could keep with
me for the rest of my life. I mean, how many
opportunities do you get to watch a no-hitter in
person?
So these people are walking right past us as
if there's nothing out of the ordinary going on.
I mean, I can see that there might be a reason
why you would need to leave early - you might
have to pick up your kids from school or catch
the last subway home, but this was a Sunday
afternoon game. And even if you absolutely had
to leave, at least try to do it discreetly so
Ross and I don't yell at you. If I had to leave
in the middle of a no-hitter, I would pull my
shirt up over my head or something to at least
conceal my identity to the other real fans there.
These people didn't have a care in the world -
they just strolled past us, oblivious to the fact
that history might have been made that night.
Even as Ross and I tried to explain to them,
albeit somewhat loudly, that the pitcher that
night might do something that only a handful of
people have done in the past, they just kept
going.
What's the hurry - you got a bus to catch?
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